Question: Reread step 2. Discuss and reflect on the following concept available in step 2: belief means reliance, not defiance. defiance is an outstanding characteristic of every compulsive debtor, (pg 31 of aa 12&12). the hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you think.
In my 12 step programs I have come to know God, but, I recognize that I am needing a deeper relationship with God. I pray each morning, and each evening, but, I don't rely on God throughout the day like I'm supposed to. I pray to open my mind so that I don't need to continue to be defiant, so that I will begin to go to God first before I go to my logic. I want to sit and wait for God's guidance. I've gotten out of the practice that I had been in 17 years ago when I came to my first 12 step meeting. I don't exactly know what happened, but I do know that after my very high pink cloud, I crashed and became disillusioned with God. God wasn't going to make everything in my life perfect. I didn't feel God was protecting me as I had to live through suppressed, horrible childhood abuse memories. I couldn't hear God's voice when I was feeling suicidal. I ran from one place to the next trying to get help. I felt God had abandoned me.
Now, in DA, I'm being told to have complete faith in God again. I feel a fear that the same thing will happen if I completely surrender. Although this isn't necessarily a rational fear, it does still exist. Because of my fear, my defiance (defined as disposition to resist) is still strong. I don't want to know what's under this debting and underearning, but, I don't want to continue to live with it either. Fortunately my desire to recover is greater than my desire to stay sick. I continue to pray for the willingness and keep an open mind.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
What's in the Way of God?
Read chapter 4 in AA Big Book. Discuss and reflect on how we use the substitution method of accepting or accepting the presence of a higher power. How have you looked for substitutes all of your life? Are you still looking?
When I'm using the substitution method I am always in fear and feel stressed. Accepting the presence of a God, or a Power that is higher than me offers me peace and hope. Although I feel afraid of not absolutely knowing outcomes, or what to do to make things better or right, I have to stop at some point and recognize that God's in charge. Lately I've been obsession about a workshop that I'm scheduled to teach at a design center. I've only gotten one call. I feel obsessed about how to fix this. I don't know how. I think I'm being guided to write a publicity page (can't think of the name of them) and send it out to the media. I feel nervous.
Just as I was writing that last sentence, I received a call from a woman wanting to reserve her spot - and - she wanted to reserve for her friend also! So, there is God, and, as God often shows up in my life - there is God the comedian.
My first substitute was alcohol. I started drinking when I was 4. My parents served wine at the dinner table, I loved it, the other kids didn't. It was my job to clear the table, and, I would go around and finish everyones wine. I remember the warm feeling in my tummy that I somehow thought of as love. My next substitute was men, always needing to be the "most important" someone to somebody. I stayed in a wildly addictive relationship with my first boyfriend for years and he was my higher power. Cigarettes, sex, drugs, food, etc.
Right now when I'm not trusting God, my substitues are reading, video games, and logic/reasoning. The last one being the strongest. I try and control things with words, by being precisely accurate, and, I have a hard time with my husband being so verbally sloppy. I try and control by being overly logical, analytical. I feel I have to figure everything out for myself, my husband, my finances, my work, and my clients-I push God out with my logic and reasoning.
So, while my addict personality is still looking for a substitute, the side of me fighting for recovery is growing stronger by going to therapy and meetings and doing the work.
By the end of this writing I now have a total of 4 people registered for the workshop! Thank you God!
When I'm using the substitution method I am always in fear and feel stressed. Accepting the presence of a God, or a Power that is higher than me offers me peace and hope. Although I feel afraid of not absolutely knowing outcomes, or what to do to make things better or right, I have to stop at some point and recognize that God's in charge. Lately I've been obsession about a workshop that I'm scheduled to teach at a design center. I've only gotten one call. I feel obsessed about how to fix this. I don't know how. I think I'm being guided to write a publicity page (can't think of the name of them) and send it out to the media. I feel nervous.
Just as I was writing that last sentence, I received a call from a woman wanting to reserve her spot - and - she wanted to reserve for her friend also! So, there is God, and, as God often shows up in my life - there is God the comedian.
My first substitute was alcohol. I started drinking when I was 4. My parents served wine at the dinner table, I loved it, the other kids didn't. It was my job to clear the table, and, I would go around and finish everyones wine. I remember the warm feeling in my tummy that I somehow thought of as love. My next substitute was men, always needing to be the "most important" someone to somebody. I stayed in a wildly addictive relationship with my first boyfriend for years and he was my higher power. Cigarettes, sex, drugs, food, etc.
Right now when I'm not trusting God, my substitues are reading, video games, and logic/reasoning. The last one being the strongest. I try and control things with words, by being precisely accurate, and, I have a hard time with my husband being so verbally sloppy. I try and control by being overly logical, analytical. I feel I have to figure everything out for myself, my husband, my finances, my work, and my clients-I push God out with my logic and reasoning.
So, while my addict personality is still looking for a substitute, the side of me fighting for recovery is growing stronger by going to therapy and meetings and doing the work.
By the end of this writing I now have a total of 4 people registered for the workshop! Thank you God!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Question: Read chapter 4 in the big book. Discuss and reflect on the concept of honesty, openmindedness, and willingness. How are these tools of growth in the program?
Because I'm in two other twelve step progams, I have HAD to comprehend and surrender to a power greater than myself, which I sometimes call God, papa, universe, fairy godmother, etc. Incredibly I'm discovering that I still struggle with the word God because in certain parts of my belief system - it takes me back to my original teachings of a punishing old man up in the sky. I suspect that that is what is happening with money. While I may have a wonderful God in other areas of my life, somehow, the old God of judgement and unworthiness has remained my banker.
While I reread the big book with my thoughts on finances, I can see how being honest is essential to help me get out of the fog, I know that I need to be openminded in order to allow the insights I'm being given to come through and without willingness nothing will change. For me, the tools seem to be working in the reverse order, first and foremost I need to be willing - and I pray for this every morning by getting on my knees and surrendering my will to God. Then when I become willing, my mind begins to open up, and, in order to keep this process going, I must remain honest. The minute I start to lie to myself, I can feel the denial covering me in a cloudy film and I again start the struggle.
Question: Read step 2 in the 12&12. Discuss and reflect on the concept of insanity as it applies to us in debtors anonymous.
In this reading it defines sanity as "soundness of mind"(which is defined as showing good judgement and sense or as exhibiting or based on thorough knowledge and experience). When I looked up the word insanity I almost had to laugh at the clarity of my mental disease. Insanity is defined as . . . . something utterly foolish and unreasonable! Well, there in just a few words is my insanity! It is insane for me to write checks without knowing what's in my bank account, stuff bills away in a drawer- for months - and than be shocked that they are months past due. It's crazy that I go year after year either not filing my taxes, or filing and making no arrangements to pay. I go to the doctors and feel resentful and sometimes shocked that they send me a bill. The list goes on and on. . .. My behavior, my thought process, really is "utterly foolish and unreasonable!" Thefore when it comes to mony I have been insane.
____________________
CEA - FORGIVING:
I used to be a very unforgiving person. I carried a resentment against my parents for most of my life. Then, one day, (after years of prayer) I made the decision to forgive my father. I began to realize that others really are just doing their best - just like I was. I began to see that people are at different stages of consciousness at different points of their life. I began to be able to forgive myself. I now transfer that forgiveness to others as I see them doing things that are harmful, I pray to forgive, I feel willing to forgive. Now, I am forgiving.
FAIRNESS;
I work at being able to see both sides of situations. While being a listener to others complaints, I often find myself taking both sides of the siuation and thowing out thoughts and ideas to consider while the other side is not in the conversation. I like to be fair with our children, making sure that what I give to one, I give to the other - not necessarity materialistically, but emotionally, or physically - or whatever it is they seem to appreciate the most . I used a fairness technique when working through my childhood truamas. I imagined a reasonable reason why someone would have done what they did -even if I have to make up a total fabrication, rather than just looking at the situation from a wounded, hurt perspective. Finally, I am learning to be fair with myself. Releasing perfectionism and rigidity. I am freeing myself to make fair and reasonable choices for myself.
UNSELFISHNESS:
Because I'm in two other twelve step progams, I have HAD to comprehend and surrender to a power greater than myself, which I sometimes call God, papa, universe, fairy godmother, etc. Incredibly I'm discovering that I still struggle with the word God because in certain parts of my belief system - it takes me back to my original teachings of a punishing old man up in the sky. I suspect that that is what is happening with money. While I may have a wonderful God in other areas of my life, somehow, the old God of judgement and unworthiness has remained my banker.
While I reread the big book with my thoughts on finances, I can see how being honest is essential to help me get out of the fog, I know that I need to be openminded in order to allow the insights I'm being given to come through and without willingness nothing will change. For me, the tools seem to be working in the reverse order, first and foremost I need to be willing - and I pray for this every morning by getting on my knees and surrendering my will to God. Then when I become willing, my mind begins to open up, and, in order to keep this process going, I must remain honest. The minute I start to lie to myself, I can feel the denial covering me in a cloudy film and I again start the struggle.
Question: Read step 2 in the 12&12. Discuss and reflect on the concept of insanity as it applies to us in debtors anonymous.
In this reading it defines sanity as "soundness of mind"(which is defined as showing good judgement and sense or as exhibiting or based on thorough knowledge and experience). When I looked up the word insanity I almost had to laugh at the clarity of my mental disease. Insanity is defined as . . . . something utterly foolish and unreasonable! Well, there in just a few words is my insanity! It is insane for me to write checks without knowing what's in my bank account, stuff bills away in a drawer- for months - and than be shocked that they are months past due. It's crazy that I go year after year either not filing my taxes, or filing and making no arrangements to pay. I go to the doctors and feel resentful and sometimes shocked that they send me a bill. The list goes on and on. . .. My behavior, my thought process, really is "utterly foolish and unreasonable!" Thefore when it comes to mony I have been insane.
____________________
CEA - FORGIVING:
I used to be a very unforgiving person. I carried a resentment against my parents for most of my life. Then, one day, (after years of prayer) I made the decision to forgive my father. I began to realize that others really are just doing their best - just like I was. I began to see that people are at different stages of consciousness at different points of their life. I began to be able to forgive myself. I now transfer that forgiveness to others as I see them doing things that are harmful, I pray to forgive, I feel willing to forgive. Now, I am forgiving.
FAIRNESS;
I work at being able to see both sides of situations. While being a listener to others complaints, I often find myself taking both sides of the siuation and thowing out thoughts and ideas to consider while the other side is not in the conversation. I like to be fair with our children, making sure that what I give to one, I give to the other - not necessarity materialistically, but emotionally, or physically - or whatever it is they seem to appreciate the most . I used a fairness technique when working through my childhood truamas. I imagined a reasonable reason why someone would have done what they did -even if I have to make up a total fabrication, rather than just looking at the situation from a wounded, hurt perspective. Finally, I am learning to be fair with myself. Releasing perfectionism and rigidity. I am freeing myself to make fair and reasonable choices for myself.
UNSELFISHNESS:
Saturday, November 7, 2009
How Effective Is DA?
Question: Reread step 2. Discuss and reflect upon the effectiveness of DA from your personal experience and from what you have observed in others. Could what you have experienced eminated solely from you? If so, why had it not happened before?
So far, I can see the effectiveness of looking at my spending each day- my financial awareness and accountability has certainly increased. What I've observed in others hasn't been as spectacular as what I'm observing in myself. I only been to one face to face meeting - three times. There is one gentleman there that has what I want, and fortunately, he's the one that volunteered to do the prg meeting with me! What I'm seeing happen within me is what is really exciting! I am feeling less afraid about money - actual money itself, not just whether I have it or not. My mind is being opened t asking for what I believe I need. The credit union for a car loan, my mortgage company, my client, etc. I had a friend mention that she needed artwork hung for $150 - I offered. I'm picked up extra work on a movie and have agreed to do more. This is unusual for me to even hear these opportunities. They're small, but, they are an income. I need income - I've been asking for income with my eyes closed. I don't believe that what's been happening is coming solely from me. I believe God is giving me these message because of the work I'm doing, because of the willingness I have to do whatever I need to do to recover.
So far, I can see the effectiveness of looking at my spending each day- my financial awareness and accountability has certainly increased. What I've observed in others hasn't been as spectacular as what I'm observing in myself. I only been to one face to face meeting - three times. There is one gentleman there that has what I want, and fortunately, he's the one that volunteered to do the prg meeting with me! What I'm seeing happen within me is what is really exciting! I am feeling less afraid about money - actual money itself, not just whether I have it or not. My mind is being opened t asking for what I believe I need. The credit union for a car loan, my mortgage company, my client, etc. I had a friend mention that she needed artwork hung for $150 - I offered. I'm picked up extra work on a movie and have agreed to do more. This is unusual for me to even hear these opportunities. They're small, but, they are an income. I need income - I've been asking for income with my eyes closed. I don't believe that what's been happening is coming solely from me. I believe God is giving me these message because of the work I'm doing, because of the willingness I have to do whatever I need to do to recover.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I Must Take the First Step
Question: Read step 2 in the 12&12. How is taking Step 1 a necessity before takings Step 2?
If I don't completely own step one I will continue to try and think my way out of this. Until I admit that I cannot control these crazy thoughts and abnormal actions about money, I won't reach out for a power greater than myself. I know I need help, I know I need God, and, I know I need to trust that God is here to guide me in the right direction. Right now I'm turned inside out and only God can turn me around.
_______
CEA - I'm not liking having to write all the time. . .. . .
RESTRAINT: This is a characterist that I have plenty of when it comes to clients. I try to make sure that I am centered with God, ask for advise, keep my mouth shut unless I have something nice to say, etc. I use restraint with all of our children by not reacting to things that I think may be dangerous, not putting rules and "watch out for" doom, or fearful statements on them.
If I don't completely own step one I will continue to try and think my way out of this. Until I admit that I cannot control these crazy thoughts and abnormal actions about money, I won't reach out for a power greater than myself. I know I need help, I know I need God, and, I know I need to trust that God is here to guide me in the right direction. Right now I'm turned inside out and only God can turn me around.
_______
CEA - I'm not liking having to write all the time. . .. . .
RESTRAINT: This is a characterist that I have plenty of when it comes to clients. I try to make sure that I am centered with God, ask for advise, keep my mouth shut unless I have something nice to say, etc. I use restraint with all of our children by not reacting to things that I think may be dangerous, not putting rules and "watch out for" doom, or fearful statements on them.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
What Can Knowledge of my Powerlessness Do For Me?
Question: Reread Step 1 in the 12 &12. Discuss and reflect on what the knowledge of step one can do for me. During my reading, underline and note words and passages that are meaningful to me and write why they are important.
I believe that the knowledge of step one, and the willingness to remain humbled to that knowledge, will help me to get my life back. Not my old life but a new life, that is guided by God's will for me - which always turns out to be a beautiful thing!
natural instinct - having been raised by a father who was an athlete, I've been taught that you fight to the end, never give up, keep going no mater what, etc. And, if I don't than I will lose or I am loser. So admitting I am powerless feels like I am admitting I'm a failure. I need to go against that instinct in order to join this program.
we have warped our minds into an obsession for destructive financial behavior that ONLY an act of Providence can remove it . - this lets me know that this the ONLY way. I can't figure this out and it's time I quit trying.
ONLY through utter defeat able to take first steps toward strength - there's that word only again. Only because this program has changed my life so dramatically, can I even consider that this may be a true statement. I really need to surrender!
little good unless accept devastating weakness and all its consequences - honestly, all I keep reading is that it's time for me to throw in the towel. I need to stop trying. I need to let go and trust God is sending me the help I need to heal. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to make my finances right. I don't know how to stop being drawn to and/or creating situations that cause my underearning. I don't have the tools and I'm in this program to be shown the way.
victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it! I wake up every morning obsessing about money, think about it all day long, and than go to sleep thinking about it. I obsess on how to create more income, where can I find work, how can I reduce my spending even more. I worry about spending any money, paying my bills, etc. Although I have tried many things to calm my mind, I am not able to do so. I use outside things to help get my mind off of money like playing bejeweled obsessively each evening, reading myself to sleep and then leaving the light on all night as I wake up with worries. I keep reading off and on all night to stop my mind from obsessing.
It was a statistical fact that debtors and underearners almost NEVER recovered on their own resources - that pretty much leaves out any solution other than GOD
Less desperate debtors and underearners tried D BUT DID NOT SUCCEED because they couldn't admit hopelessness. This is my fear. I really want to know in my heart that I am hopeless in all things financial. I pray that I can get out of denial and be willing to do anything o recover.
Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable! Well, I can honestly say that I have no problem admitting that. I have eliminated so much fat from our spending that we hardly have a life at all anymore. Even with all that I still cannot pay my house payment, go visit my son in Oregon, buy clothes, etc. I am in fear all the time.
Who wants to make restitution for harm done? I'm afraid to look at what restitution I will have to make - but I'm even more afraid of where I'm at in my life financially.
We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us! - Amen
Writing the answer to this question has been an amazing experience! I am stunned at how much has been going on, how deep my obsession has been, and how beaten down I have become because of money.
I believe that the knowledge of step one, and the willingness to remain humbled to that knowledge, will help me to get my life back. Not my old life but a new life, that is guided by God's will for me - which always turns out to be a beautiful thing!
natural instinct - having been raised by a father who was an athlete, I've been taught that you fight to the end, never give up, keep going no mater what, etc. And, if I don't than I will lose or I am loser. So admitting I am powerless feels like I am admitting I'm a failure. I need to go against that instinct in order to join this program.
we have warped our minds into an obsession for destructive financial behavior that ONLY an act of Providence can remove it . - this lets me know that this the ONLY way. I can't figure this out and it's time I quit trying.
ONLY through utter defeat able to take first steps toward strength - there's that word only again. Only because this program has changed my life so dramatically, can I even consider that this may be a true statement. I really need to surrender!
little good unless accept devastating weakness and all its consequences - honestly, all I keep reading is that it's time for me to throw in the towel. I need to stop trying. I need to let go and trust God is sending me the help I need to heal. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to make my finances right. I don't know how to stop being drawn to and/or creating situations that cause my underearning. I don't have the tools and I'm in this program to be shown the way.
victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it! I wake up every morning obsessing about money, think about it all day long, and than go to sleep thinking about it. I obsess on how to create more income, where can I find work, how can I reduce my spending even more. I worry about spending any money, paying my bills, etc. Although I have tried many things to calm my mind, I am not able to do so. I use outside things to help get my mind off of money like playing bejeweled obsessively each evening, reading myself to sleep and then leaving the light on all night as I wake up with worries. I keep reading off and on all night to stop my mind from obsessing.
It was a statistical fact that debtors and underearners almost NEVER recovered on their own resources - that pretty much leaves out any solution other than GOD
Less desperate debtors and underearners tried D BUT DID NOT SUCCEED because they couldn't admit hopelessness. This is my fear. I really want to know in my heart that I am hopeless in all things financial. I pray that I can get out of denial and be willing to do anything o recover.
Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable! Well, I can honestly say that I have no problem admitting that. I have eliminated so much fat from our spending that we hardly have a life at all anymore. Even with all that I still cannot pay my house payment, go visit my son in Oregon, buy clothes, etc. I am in fear all the time.
Who wants to make restitution for harm done? I'm afraid to look at what restitution I will have to make - but I'm even more afraid of where I'm at in my life financially.
We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us! - Amen
Writing the answer to this question has been an amazing experience! I am stunned at how much has been going on, how deep my obsession has been, and how beaten down I have become because of money.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Deceiving Myself and Others about Money
Question: Read AA Big Book, Chapter 3. Discuss and reflect on the following; the deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of self. How does this relate to your debting history and what have you done in the past due to debting that reaffirms this idea?
Wow, this is a very thought provoking and frightening question. In order for me to even answer it I will have to look at my money game, how it plays out, and the manipulations I've designed to get results.
Because I have such a web of different ways of trying to control money, I have a hard time thinking in terms of only debting. Another word that works for me would be hoarding. I deceive myself and others by hoarding money - holding onto money that needed to go out so as not to create a debt. I then think I have the money, yet, I have been able to keep myself in a position of vagueness because I have this other money. I don't pay the bills because I'm afraid we'll run out of money before our next payday.
The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. Whew, I'm still trying to see this. From watching my husband, I know that when he is in denial, or, lying to himself, he is lying to me. So, it's not even as if he's trying to deceive me, but, he's deceiving himself, and, I can see it. Interesting thing I did today. I was asked by the Michigan Design Center to provide photos of the design boards the students would be creating at a workshop I'm teaching there this month. They want to put the photos in their e-mail blast. I've been racking my brain to figure out what to send them. The photos I use in the class are downloaded from the internet, and used only as examples of ideas . I didn't feel right providing photos of work someone else had done, and, I didn't have any of my own photos. I emailed the marketing department and let them know I was sending my headshot, and, I didn't have photos from the workshop, but, that I would take photos and next time we hold it I will have them.
How this relates to my debting is that I always try to have the appearance that I have money. I feel so ashamed that I don't have money that I pretend I do. I pretend I don't need it and act indifferent when asking for it. ie. from clients, etc. Yet, on the inside I'm not indifferent at all! I spend money where I feel I "have" to. I deny that there will be consequences and lie to myself that everything will work out. I act before I think, and, I act quickly before my thoughts have a chance to develop and break through my denial.
_________________
CEA - Compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others distress together with a desire to alleviate it. I recognize how much compassion I have for others especially when I go to an aa meeting and a new comer stands up and announces themselves an alcoholic! After 17 years I still get tears in my eyes. I feel both compassion and hope for them. I know their pain and I want to help. With the women I usually give my phone number and offer them support.
Wow, this is a very thought provoking and frightening question. In order for me to even answer it I will have to look at my money game, how it plays out, and the manipulations I've designed to get results.
Because I have such a web of different ways of trying to control money, I have a hard time thinking in terms of only debting. Another word that works for me would be hoarding. I deceive myself and others by hoarding money - holding onto money that needed to go out so as not to create a debt. I then think I have the money, yet, I have been able to keep myself in a position of vagueness because I have this other money. I don't pay the bills because I'm afraid we'll run out of money before our next payday.
The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. Whew, I'm still trying to see this. From watching my husband, I know that when he is in denial, or, lying to himself, he is lying to me. So, it's not even as if he's trying to deceive me, but, he's deceiving himself, and, I can see it. Interesting thing I did today. I was asked by the Michigan Design Center to provide photos of the design boards the students would be creating at a workshop I'm teaching there this month. They want to put the photos in their e-mail blast. I've been racking my brain to figure out what to send them. The photos I use in the class are downloaded from the internet, and used only as examples of ideas . I didn't feel right providing photos of work someone else had done, and, I didn't have any of my own photos. I emailed the marketing department and let them know I was sending my headshot, and, I didn't have photos from the workshop, but, that I would take photos and next time we hold it I will have them.
How this relates to my debting is that I always try to have the appearance that I have money. I feel so ashamed that I don't have money that I pretend I do. I pretend I don't need it and act indifferent when asking for it. ie. from clients, etc. Yet, on the inside I'm not indifferent at all! I spend money where I feel I "have" to. I deny that there will be consequences and lie to myself that everything will work out. I act before I think, and, I act quickly before my thoughts have a chance to develop and break through my denial.
_________________
CEA - Compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others distress together with a desire to alleviate it. I recognize how much compassion I have for others especially when I go to an aa meeting and a new comer stands up and announces themselves an alcoholic! After 17 years I still get tears in my eyes. I feel both compassion and hope for them. I know their pain and I want to help. With the women I usually give my phone number and offer them support.
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