48. Red step 2 of 12/12. Discuss and reflect upon the following concepts as they play a part in your spiritual life. Intellectual Self Sufficiency, Wandering from Faith, Self Righteousness.

I am guilty of relying on intellectual self sufficiency. I suspect that this is my greatest shortcoming when it comes to my spiritual life - I forget that God is in charge and I rely heavily on logic and self sufficiency. Even though I don't think I'm wandering from my faith, I suspect I am questioning it in some way. I'm trying to stay with God, or ask God to be patient with me, while I question my faith - I believe its good for me to question my faith right now because I may be relying on a God that is "too little". Self righteousness and spirituality just don't work together at all. If I'm being self righteousness I am only fighting against God, and fighting against God means I haven't surrendered my life to God. In a strange way I feel okay about where I am with God, questioning, searching, and being willing/expectant of a very large God in my life.


CEA - Write on the serenity prayer. What does it mean to you and how can it help you in your life.

When I'm not repeating the serenity prayer by rote, this is a very centering prayer for me. The thing I can change are everybody outside of me, and, I cannot change many situations either - but - I can change the way I'm interpreting it. This prayer helps me in my life when I use it and realize that I am not in charge of others, that I do have power to change my thoughts and behaviors, and, that my life would be better if I would pay attention to this prayer.

I Relapsed!

Today I called my CEA sponsor and let her know that I relapsed on my food! I have been terrified to tell her and I'm not really sure why. I've been afraid to disappoint her, afraid she would overreact and try and fix me, and just afraid to admit that I'm having a problem. Then, after I slipped, I didn't say anything and it just got worse and worse as time went on.

So,tonight I recommit to the CEA program. Tomorrow will be my first day of abstince, God willing.


Read step 2. D/r upon the need for openmindedness. Why is it essential to your recovery in the da program? (teaching in am - she'll call me - 8:45 and 8:55)

Its essential that I open my mind to God, not just to the thought that there is a God but to the belief that God is the ONLY solution to my disease. Any time I begin to think that I can control my addictions, I'm functioning with a limited, closed mind. I can only succeed if I am willing to surrender and stay open to what God is guiding me to do, be open to take the actions even though I may be afraid, and stay open to the realization that I don't know - but God does.

CEA - Today is my first day of committed abstinence!!!!! Yeah ! I'm so happy I told my sponsor! Now I'll be answering "slip" questions.. . . .

1) Write down the definitions for each of the following words, using the dictionary: life, spirit, God, breathe, breathing, cerebrum, cerebellum, meditation, universe, peace serenity, posture, discipline, prayer, love, hate, anger, sex, pride, resentment, jealousy, read, write, consious mind, subconsious mind, hearing, speaking, cure, recovery, medulla oblongata.

LIFE: the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body. the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual

SPIRIT: a supernatural being or essence: as a capitalized : holy spirit b : soul 2a c : an often malevolent being that is bodiless but can become visible; specifically : ghost 2 d : a malevolent being that enters and possesses a human being

GOD: the supreme or ultimate reality: as a : the Being perfect in power, wisdom, and goodness who is worshipped as creator and ruler of the universe

BREATH: to draw air into and expel it from the lungs : respire; broadly : to take in oxygen and give out carbon dioxide through natural processes

BREATHING: either of the marks ʽ and ' used in writing Greek to indicate aspiration or its absence

CEREBRUM: considered to be the seat of conscious mental processes

CEREBELLUM a large dorsally projecting part of the brain concerned especially with the coordination of muscles and the maintenance of bodily equilibrium, situated between the brain stem and the back of the cerebrum

meditation a discourse intended to express its author's reflections or to guide others in contemplation

universe the whole body of things and phenomena observed or postulated : cosmos: as a : a systematic whole held to arise by and persist through the direct intervention of divine power b : the world of human experience

peace freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

serenity the quality or state of being serene

posture a conscious mental or outward behavioral attitude

discipline training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
5 a : control gained by enforcing obedience or order b : orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behaviour

prayer : the act or practice of praying to God or a god


love: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

hate intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

anger a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism

sex either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures

pride a reasonable or justifiable self-respect

resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

jealousy a jealous disposition, attitude, or feeling

read to yield a particular meaning or impression when read

write to make a permanent impression of

conscious mind the quality or state of being aware especially of something within oneself

subconscious mind existing in the mind but not immediately available to consciousness

hearing the process, function, or power of perceiving sound

speaking : having a population that speaks a specified language

cure : spiritual charge : care b : : recovery or relief from a disease

recovery the process of combating a disorder (as alcoholism) or a real or perceived problem

medulla oblongata the part of the vertebrate brain that is continuous posteriorly with the spinal cord and that contains the centers controlling involuntary vital functions

What are my Altenatives?

Read pages 21-29. Discuss and reflect upon the idea that there is no middle of the road solution to debting. Take some tie discussing the alternatives to recvery on page 24.

Initially I wanted to say that its harder to be so cut and dried when it comes to money versus alcohol, but, then I realized that if the problem is debting, ie. spending more than I earn, its not so hard. It does become more challenging for me to understand the no middle of the road when it comes to underearning though. I still feel this is a bit out of my control - even though I'm taking steps to solve it. I need to have the employment to insure that I don't underearn.

The thought of the alternatives to recovery are what's making me so willing to do this work. . . . . the stress of not having enough and the obsessive worrying are taking a toll on my health and knocking out my self esteem. I won't have a place to live if I don't heal this - and, I'll lose a second home. I'll be leaving a financial mess to my children when I die - and- I won't be able to retire- ever- at the rate I've been going.

What do I believe?

Read step 2. D/R upon those who believe, those who can't believe, and those who lost their faith. In which category do you sometimes or often find yourself and what steps must you take to change.

I usually find myself in the category of those who believe. When I'm working the steps, I trust that God is watching over me, guiding me in the best direction for my healing, and protecting me from disease.

Sometimes, when things aren't going my way, I find myself in the category of those who can't believe. Because I don't understand, or because I think things aren't working out right, I begin to question God, and God's will for me. In order for me to get out of this mind set, I need to recognize that God is the one in charge, and, what I may have wanted to happen - God was seeing it differently. I need to detatch from the outcome and just allow God's perfection to come through.

Not too long ago, I was feeling like those who lost their faith. However, the reality is that I am questioning my faith in my religion, not my faith in God. I realize that God is showing me a new way, or different way to relate to him/her and that I am in a relationhip that is calling on me to make a deeper committment and to receive a more abundant love. There is nothing for me to change her, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Deception

43. Read chapter 3 in bb. d/r upon following idea as it manifests in your life, the deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves.

It's hard for me to see this on myself - but I can see how this works regarding my husband. I see how he defends a complete lie, and, while I think he's trying to "get away with something", I do not recognize that he is convinced of his lie. It drives me crazy! I can see where my issues about money must be very confusing/crazy to my kids. One day I seem to have money, the next day I don't have enough to take care of myself.

I recall when my kids were teenagers and my youngest was frustated with our never having enough money to get the things he wanted. I remember talking with him about making more money, and something about child support, and thinking that when I got this other job we would have enough money. He looked at me and started to yell, "it doesn't matter mom, it doesn't matter what you do - there is never going to be enough. Something is going to happen and you won't have enough money!" I was startled into the truth - he was right, I was always just about to have enough. That conversation changed my life and I began making very large amounts of money.

Remaining in Vagueness

Read page 9 in the Big Book. Discuss the reoccurance of the idea that is you remain in vagueness you can "recapture the spirit of other days and avoid reality."

I catch myself now still wanting to stay in vagueness so I don't have to think about all the "work" that's involved with planning, paying attention, being responsible. I hear the message that "it shouldn't be this difficult", "things are better already,"but, I do realize that those messages are my disease talking, and, that if I listen to those messages I will never have financial freedom.

Controlling Money

41. Read chapter 3 in BB up to page 35. D/r upon what sort of thinking dominates when the compulsive debtor repeats the desperate experiment of trying just one more time to control their spending.

I get absolutely frozen and rigid about spending money. So rigid that I won't even spend $1.00 for a pop. I become obsessed and shaming about buying anything that is not an absolute necessary. I withhold/control the money that my husband spends and anyone else for the matter. I hang on to money with a vise like grip.